Now with 113% more HARDCORE PORN!

Ahoy, ye landlubbers! Obeying Our Corporate Master (Jan. 31, 2003, 8:45 p.m.): Darien said we had to update, so we have. We don't know what to update with. More later. WARNING: Pirates Below

Addendum (Jan. 31, 2003, 8:56 p.m.): No new ideas yet. We're thinking something about monkeys. It's sort of a theme here. More to come.

Addendum 2: Addendumer (Jan. 31, 2003, 9:02 p.m.): Monkeys are played out. What about a clever reference to some obscure pop-culture thing? Like Oglethorpe. Oh. Wait. Never mind. And if you think that's the last time we make a joke about the "Die Hard" trilogy, you're so wrong.

Addendum 3: With a Vengeance (Jan. 31, 2003, 9:10 p.m.): What'd I say about that "Die Hard" thing?

Addendum 4 (Jan. 31, 2003, 9:17 p.m.): It has come to our attention that it would make more sense to have the later updates up higher. But that's kind of stupid and would require work. We hate work. I.e. it won't happen.

Addendum 5 (Jan. 31, 2003, 9:23 p.m.): ACTUAL CONTENT!!! PIRATE STORY! What follows is a story from our favorite pirate, One-Legged Pete. FM.pd.com exclusive! Enjoy!

Yarr, I be seeing a lot of things in my day, but never have I seen something as strange as the time me mates and me happened upon Skull Isle. It was the middle o' summer in the South Pacific, and yet an ill wind blew. Folk say the isle is haunted, and ol' Petey here isn't one to doubt such things.

So we landed on the isle following rumors and strange tales of the sea, looking for a bit o' booty, arrr. We found ourselves nothing of the sort. . . but we were finding something we had been expecting.

That's it for now folks. Tune in again to hear the rest of the story! TO BE CONTINUED

Battlecry (Jan. 6, 2003, 11:15 p.m.): Behind-the-scenes work on FM.pd.com goes smoothly. We have adopted a new battlecry: EEE EEE! EEE EEE!!! All who oppose us shall fall! Also, covert ops has begun stealth PR work. New visitors shall come soon and see our glory. Then they shall buy our porn and make us rich. But we shan't forget you, our loyal visitors. You'll be in the vanguard when the revolution comes. Oh yes, my comrades-in-arms, you shall be remembered.

Addendum (11:45 p.m.): Monkeys are on their way!! Operation Talon Fist is ahead of schedule. Transmission over.

Oglethorpe says PLANS ARE FOR FOOLS! Space Transmissions (Jan. 5, 2003, 11:15 p.m.):

We have received important bulletins from operatives in space. Decoded message follows:

Hello down zere. Zis is important message from space! Everyzing up here ist very cool! Ve are quite buzy in our plans... OF VORLD DOMINATION! HAHAHHAAHA! No, but seriouzly, ve are needing your help for ze Operation Talon Fist zo pleaze tell your readerz to help uz.

So there you have it, folks. Loyal readers will receive information about Operation Talon Fist via e-mail within the next few weeks. Unloyal readers... well, let's just say they'll be taken care of.

When you receive your e-mail message, be sure to reply to it before it was sent. New Loyal Readers should refer to Quantum Quirks: Manipulating Temporal Mechanics for Fun and Profit (which should have been included in your Official FM Loyal Reader Starter Kit; contact your handler to get a copy) for more information.

Selling Out (Jan. 4, 2003, 5:23 p.m.): Well, folks, hate to say this but those corporate bastards have forced us to sell out. We here at FM.pd.com don't like it anymore than you, but when the Gnomes of Zurich say "Jump," well, we just ask, "Up whose ass, oh great Corporate Overlords?" Because we're damned sell-outs and hypocrites. Anyway, as a consequence of all this, we're now running banner ads. If you click them, we promise it will improve your love life and bring you great fortune. If you don't click on them, it is quite possible you will have your testicles eaten by monkeys. NOTE: Do not think that being a woman means you don't have to worry about not clicking them. Because, you'll grow testicles, and then they will be eaten by monkeys. So click the banners. Click them!

The soldier attacks! The soldier hits! You die... -more-

Would you like your possessions identified? [Y/N]

> y

You were carrying:

a cursed -2 Sword of Wounding
an uncursed Elven Sword of Suck

an uncursed +1 Helmet of Blinding
an uncursed +0 Boots of Cement
an uncursed +0 Gloves of Fisticuffs

an uncursed magic whistle
an uncursed rope


a blessed tin opener
an uncursed magic lamp

an uncursed worthless piece of red glass
2 amethysts
a blessed luckstone

Said can is opening up here Real Soon. As soon as I get the Amulet of Yendor...

We'll be keeping the Net safe from thieves, ruffians and general ne'er-do-wells.

A marginally proud member of the perfectlydarien.com network.

This has been a creation of your local Supreme Dictator. All rights reserved. You copy anything from me, and I'll drop the hammer on you. You want some? Huh? You want a little? It's go time! Cut off my head with such velocity that it will rocket my body all the way to Phoenix! What's in Phoenix, you ask? WHY IT'S YOUR MOMMA! Now get the axe!